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Treat Yourself: A 5 Step Guide Feat. Canningvale

Posted by A Goo Hoarder on

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"To partake in an activity which no matter how detrimental to your health, allows you to enjoy yourself as much as possible."

-Urban Dictionary

Step 1: Everyone Out.

Give the kids to their grandparents, send hubby off on his boys night, release little wifey to her girls night, give the cat and dog food and put them to bed. You are now alone. 10 deep breaths. Now collapse where you are standing, make it so you are standing no longer; embrace the couch, bed, or floor, become one with a flat surface and assume a horizontal position.

Optional Extra:  Grab pillow and scream into it. *pillow not required.

I think we’ve all had a very long week. A very long couple of weeks. It is time to  Treat Yourself. No if’s, but’s or I have to’s, the only thing you have to do is actively put energy into doing nothing. The first step requires you to really make this about you; it’s not ‘Treat Ourselves’ or ‘Treat Themselves’, it’s Treat Yourself.

Step 2: Find your Space.

You might want to spend the next 12 to 18 hours in bed, or in front of the TV or under the dining room table, you do you boo. But go there and stake your claim. Get your phone charger, your computer charger, the tv remote, a heater or a fan, blankets, open a window slightly, close a blind a little, and dim a light.

Hot Tip: Unplug the land line, at this point anything important should be coming through your mobile. More often than not it’ll hit 5pm and the ‘well-meaning’ telemarketers will break their fingers trying to ascertain whether you’re currently happy with your internet service provider.

Step 3: The Set Up.

Once you’ve perfected your final resting place (#RIP responsibilities) set up your treatments. If you’re treating yourself with a mountain of pasta and three bottles of wine: chill the wine, boil the pasta, leave the cheese and butter out to soften, put on some music, open the trashiest piece of trash mag you can find and sip on the sweet crisp taste of freedom. Or maybe a spa treatment is well over due, pull out all those goo’s and potions you’ve been hoarding and haven’t had a chance to use, or the recommended time allowance for them to really work their magic. Run a bath, light some  sweet smelling candles (hint), lay out your robe and hair towel (hint, hint), hop in the tub and quite literally dissolve.

Or maybe you’d rather alphabetise your vinyl collection while wearing one of your wife’s face masque’s that whilst tingles something fierce, you get to peel off after 20 minutes and carefully inspect all the guck that was just hanging out on your epidermis. Put a sports channel on in the background, popcorn in the microwave and let the tingling alphabetisation begin.

Naughty thought: grab a  microfibre and give all the vinyls a wipe down while you’re at it and steal your wife’s deep conditioning serum. She’ll blame your daughter. THEY WILL NEVER SUSPECT.

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Step 4: Treat Yourself.

Bask, I say. BASK! In the fatty, indulgent, hedonistic, vaguely OCD, carefully manicured dream world you’ve created. Mates would tear you to shreds if they knew you watched the Kardashians. NO ONE MAKES BETTER CALLS THAN SCOTT DISICK. Treat Yo’Self. There are just enough brownies left so everyone gets 2 each? YOU MADE THE BROWNIES. Treat Yo’Self (to all of them). Partner is out of town and they really miss you?  YOU GET THE WHOLE BED. Treat Yo’Self. Worried you’ll look orange but know the white dress only looks good with a tan? THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD IS A DORITO. Treat Yo’Self.

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Step 5: Shamelessness.

Eventually you'll have to receive your children back, and da’ boys are going to drop bae back home with a hangover and -1 pair of shoes, and ladies night will end (badly. Don’t worry you’ll hear all about it.) And the pets will need to eat, again. The veil of Treat Yourself will lift, and while it’ll be tempting to crawl into a self-deprecating hole of “I ate too much, drank too much, spent too much and did nothing!” the true essence of Treating Yourself is in the complete and utter shamelessness of the act. You did eat too much, and drink too much and spend too much and you accomplished almost nothing. And you know what? It was a bloody delightful experience that you will more than likely repeat.

You treated yourself. If anyone questions your behaviour or why the house has a slight cheese smell or if you had a party because of how many empty wine bottles there are, all you have to say is - I treated myself. And they can literally do nothing. Because if they say anything they are being jealous and hateful, you don’t actually need that kind of negativity in your life, cut them out of it, treat yourself. "Wow you drank 4 bottles of wine, that’s a lot!" "Wow your tone is a lot. Bye."

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